ethics and morality

The Challenges Ahead
My process for determining the voice for this blog is ongoing. I feel like that mosquito in the nudist colony – I know what to do; I’m just not sure where to start. In the past several days, news stories and studies (see Pew Trust) have come out about the clouds of regret and depression that hover over my fellow Baby Boomers. When we nervously look for renewal and hope from those younger than us, we are confronted by films like Race to Nowhere and news that students in college are suffering from mental health issues in shocking numbers.

The Talk
When I write here, I have tried to put past bitterness to the side and share lessons learned, in the hope that they may be of value to someone. I’ve done some things and been some places that might help provide some people perspective on their travels. The need for this perspective was brought home to me during a conversation with a young man worried about where the world is headed. He said…

“I’m worried about taking on the challenges of the 21st century.” This very general concern might annoy me in other contexts, however…

since this was my 9 year-old son, I put on my best listening skills as he continued…

“When you and Mommy are dead, I’m not sure how I’m going to know what to do about those challenges” (Ask someone who knows him. They’ll tell you it sounds like him). I didn’t have a lot of great advice at that moment but I was able to refrain from a lecture about Bentham’s Utilitarianism versus Pareto efficency and we instead discussed some of the qualities that I thought he needed to cultivate. We talked about things like courage, friendship, service, freedom, and responsibility.

I’m glad that he’s in a wonderful school that has allowed him to develop his natural gifts. It’s one of those places that understands that knowing the name of something doesn’t equal knowledge. Unfortunately,it only runs through 8th grade – well, there’s always homeschooling!

The Curriculum
My goal and desire for him is that he continues with his fascination for the natural world, continues to develop his physical skills to navigate through it, develops the physical and moral courage to confront the bullies who will inevitably invade his journey if he’s ding it the right way, learn sales (after all, so much of the life we live is transactional), and follows the “Heinlein curriculum” – “A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”

I want him to grow strong and I also want him to grow gently. I also want him to develop the practice of seeking and practicing good habits. Whether you’re 9 or 79, developing the right habits can help you grow into who you are supposed to be. The spiritual journey does not mean from “here” to “there.” The knowledge and enlightenment that we seek are no further from us than is the voice of God. We don’t need more names, knowledge, or skills – we only need access to the wisdom that we have always had. To begin or strengthen the process of unlearning, we need to develop good habits. And so I present…

Good Habits
When you have formed a good habit, not only will it become necessary to you, but the corresponding bad habit will no longer hold any appeal and will die a natural death. A new set of neural paths is thus formed while the old paths are gradually obliterated. Neuroscience says that forming a new, better habit is much more effective than trying to eliminate a bad habit. Good habits are like a group of lieutenants or executive assistants, working for us by relieving us of the need for conscious attention to an excess of details. Compare the efforts of a child learning to walk, or of a man learning to swim or ride a bicycle with a young child running through a playground or the expert swimmer or cyclist and you have a good example of what habit can accomplish. Our conscious mental processes — in the area of right-thinking – are often as ineffective as the efforts of the child learning to walk or the adult learning to swim or ride a bicycle.

Suppose we were forced to make the same effort in breathing that we do in any voluntary action, how laborious it would be. In the same way, controlled thinking is an effort at first, but stay with it long enough and it becomes a habit and almost automatic. When you make your habits your friend, you make your nervous system an ally. Just like bike riding or walking cease to be conscious processes, an expert thinker comes in time to balance his mind and control it in accordance with the laws of right-thinking. Little or no conscious attention is required for the body or for mental processes.

With most of us, wrong-thinking is habitual and automatic. When right-thinking becomes automatic and as unconscious as breathing, we shall have become truly our own friends. The heart beats and the lungs are inflated without conscious effort and those muscles are never tired, whereas voluntary action of the muscles soon fatigues. Athletes who persist too long in the development of any set of muscles become physically unbalanced. Too much conscious direction of thought produces a sort of mental paralysis – we become unbalanced mentally.

Reflection AND Action
Reflection must eventually find an outlet in action. It must find expression because of that intimate association of thought and the nervous system. If it does not, we become self-hypnotized by watching our own mental processes. Mere affirmations are not enough. One who goes no further than affirmations is like a would-be bicyclist who devotes the majority of her energy to affirming that she can ride, without ever getting on a bicycle to give his thought an outlet in action. Endeavor to give concrete expression to the truths you hold in mind, for only then do they come to life.

Kindness, consideration, cheerfulness, self- control may all become habits. They should in fact be designated as normal habits of a first-class mentality – the normal inheritance of the spiritually well-born. They are acquired, sometimes painfully and with much effort. Gradually, like the expert cyclist for whom bicycling has become a habit, we are relieved from conscious effort. We are balanced and able to enjoy the “scenery.”

When we find ourselves thinking thoughts of an undesirable nature, we must put the brakes on, stop the current of thoughts, and turn on to another road. If we have developed an alternate map of the territory and are clear about the values that inform our journey, we will be okay. Putting on the brakes and changing the path is where the Will comes in – the topic for a future post. Until then, remember that it’s easier to cultivate good habits than it is to try to bury bad ones. It’s also never too late to begin the process of growing gently.

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Unplugging
The past year has made for a wild ride.  I disconnected from the Matrix when I quit my job in December 2009.  This was a move away from a culture of deception and mediocrity.  It was also a move into a scary future that I hoped would allow me to live my values more fully while being of some service to a wider world.

As many people who have made this leap know, figuring out things like how to put food on the table, pay a mortgage, children’s tuition, health insurance (or not) – can take away from your entrepreneurial energy as well as put a strain on a marriage.

I’ve lost “friends” who, it seems, only defined me by my professional position and the social status that it temporarily conveyed. Stepping out of a lie allows you to breathe but those first breaths can be painful.

New Friends and Old Friends
I have been fortunate to have gone through several periods of “awakening” and this run at freedom is one of those times. I have been able to affirm the value of some people who have been close to me and learn from the fear and weakness of others who maybe once were. I’ve had a self-taught Masters-level education in online media and marketing, discovered inspiration in the blogosphere and rediscovered it in person. The education my children are receiving as Mommy and Daddy work from home has also been priceless. This run we’re making has as much to do with their future freedom as it does with their parents’ declaration of independence.

Social Media Muses
Some of the muses from the blogosphere who have kept me going are (in no particular order):

• Danielle Laporte of White Hot Truth; she is irreverent and motivational.  She provides an excellent model of how social media can be used to promote freedom, creativity and caring;
• Chris Brogan - he’s one of the gurus of social media and incites a lot of passion – most of it positive.  What I know is that his book “Trust Agents” was my first guide to this world and that this guy with thousands of followers took the time to answer my introductory “tweet.”
• Johnny B. Truant, one of the cool guys in the space.  He got my Boomer Ronin site up while answering my newbie concerns in an incredibly responsive, patient, and educational manner.  He also introduced us to a wonderful guy who redesigned the site for our girls school in India;
• Dave Navarro ,who puts out some of the best products I have found for people who are trying to figure out how to do business on the internet;
• Justin Lukasavige, whose podcast I listen to religiously.  He talks about coaching and does it with unabashed  enthusiasm.
• John Carlton – this guy is one of the giants in sales copywriting.  I have a couple of his products and I’m saving up to attend one of his live events.  If I have the discipline to follow his materials, I’ll be a lot better off a lot faster.  I will also follow his advice to teach my children the copywriting skills that will put them in a better position than some of the learnings they will receive in the “academy”;
• Lev Natan of The Empowerment Connection; we’ve only connected online but I really like what I see on his site and I look forward to a possible collaboration in 2011.

Offline Inspiration
Now for the people I interact with offline:

• Karen Best – My Princeton classmate and co-manger (and who carried me for 4 yrs.!) during my student job at Princeton; a courageous parent and entrepreneur;
• Ian Cameron – friends since we were 18.  Me from Harlem, him from Mt. Desert Island in Maine.  He’s a fly-fishing guide who does that Frank Sinatra  ”My Way” thing better than anyone I know;
• Carl Kissin – a classmate from Collegiate who I’ve recently reconnected with during his production of “Date of a Lifetime.”  You saw it coming more than three decades ago – he really is a comedy genius;
• Adam Walinsky – among other things, he worked with Bobby Kennedy and has done more than anyone in modern times to get police to do their work in a better way.  He is a major inspiration for me as I tilt at windmills.  I’m honored that he has brought me in to play some small role in re-creating the Baltimore Police Department under its visionary Commissioner;

Tony (“Dino”) – I knew him as a little boy and he’s grown into an incredible man. He’s a protector of society. For more than two decades he has been one of those who stands between us and the wolves. As if that were not enough, he has been forced to “speak truth to power” in another bureaucracy that eats its best;

• Yaromil Olivares -go read her excellent post today at Boomer Ronin. She too decided that being surrounded by  dishonesty, fecklessness, and lassitude was too high a price to pay for an impressive title and paycheck.  Her courage is only matched by her sense of purpose and her creativity.  We’re going to do great things together in our business. She is also a Creativity Coach who you should check out for your individual growth;
• Bernadette Hageman -my wife – the person who shapes my craziness into something productive.  She runs the house, takes care of our disparate band of children, runs the foundation that supports dozens of girls in India in their education and and their lives, handles the administrative duties for my growing “empire,” renovates the space for our new personal training facility, provides more value to my sister as her friend than I do to my sister as a brother, finds time to provide motherly advice to a number of “Millenials” and she still finds the time to love me even though she didn’t exactly sign on for this current tour of duty.

So, “Thank You” to my new social media friends and much love to all the people above and others, who let me know that this tribe is possible and necessary.

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This post is short and (hopefully) sweet –  á la Seth Godin. I’ve talked about “values” in the past.  This one is about VALUE.  Perhaps it’s the ravages of middle age but I am losing my interest in potential.  Talk to me about what value you bring NOW.  In fact, someone may not have the entry level skills for a retail job, much less the ability to survive TEOTWAWKI (go ahead, look it up!).  If you have the desire to be of value to your community, then you are the kind of person I want to be around.

When someone wants to be of value, they are seekers – they have to be curious.  Integrity is more important to them than having the opportunity to show their cleverness.  They work to be a  part of the community. All I know is that when I’m done, and to paraphrase Albert Einstein, I would “rather be a man of value than a man of success.”

You’ve put in a few decades doing whatever it is you do. How does it end? I was prompted to think about this after a longtime friend came by for dinner. We’ve known each other for close to 35 years. We talked about the paths we’ve been on and the paths we see ourselves taking in the near future. We also reminisced about people we know in common.

Retirement
Our dinner guest is pushing hard. She’s one of the women I talked about in my last post who’s always shown me qualities that were missing in many of my male professional counterparts. She got her Ivy League degree but knew that nothing was promised. She’s hasn’t had it easy but she’s embraced “free agency” and works to improve the lives of those around her.

I was taken aback to hear that friends we went to school with are getting ready to head for retirement and quieter climes in the next year. I was shocked to hear recently that the nephew of a friend had put in his twenty years and was retiring in a year or two and was opening a restaurant/bar.
Maybe what happened to me is…

What’s Next
that I share the view of people like Peter Ragnar who believe that a lot of the aging process is mental. I’ve also taken positions that haven’t provided decent retirement benefits as one of their perks – so temptation is less. My ADD also does not lend itself to a hammock. I am also from the Helen Keller school of thought that says ” security does not exist in Nature. Life is either a daring adventure or it’s nothing.” This is part of the manifesto shared by me and my fellow Ronin.

God does not promise security in this life. The author Philip Yancey points out that we don’t get to know God and then do his will – we get to know God by doing his will. Like my parents, I choose to “wear out rather than rust out.” It took me a while, but I realize that my wife’s complaints about our path are mainly pro forma. In many ways she pushes harder than I do. She does this in the face of the paradoxes that come with being a good Christian. The more you do, the more is demanded and gratitude be damned.

The reasons for staying on or stepping off may be the result of evolution, genetics, or something else. Some of us are built a different way. Some deal with the difficulty of the now – they live how they believe Christ lived, and they accept that God will determine the value of all these efforts at some point in the distant future. You are not alone. I respect and admire those who have decided that their race has been run. But there are those of us who are not content with where we are and what we’ve done and we will keep moving. The Talmud, the Bhagavad Gita, and the Bible all recognize that we cannot possibly finish the work set before us – but we will not be excused for not taking it up.

This is point #2 of my post about Nonprofit Leadership. It has to do with ingratitude and its mainly male practitioners.

Men Without Chests (see C.S. Lewis)
In the Bhagavad Gita, Arjuna is told “you are not entitled to the fruits of your labor, only to your labor.” This is something that has become something of a mantra for me in my professional life. With regard to men, I first thought the ingratitude thing was jealousy over comparative testosterone/intelligence combinations. After all, how do you explain the guys I brought in – who had been unable to find employment elsewhere – who I promoted, mentored, and who then engaged in almost Biblical acts of betrayal. These were something more than mere character flaws. I know, I know – I have to take my own hit for having a defective slime meter. But how did this environment get created? Then I found out…

it may in fact be an evolutionary imperative!

Women On Top
An article in this month’s Atlantic by Hanna Rosin states that men may be obsolete in the postindustrial economy. She talks about qualities like emotional intelligence, communication skills, and focus being things that men struggle to exhibit while most women seem to be naturals. Will men fade away in terms of economic relevance?

Well, it’s not comfortable for me as a guy to embrace this but I am not going to put up much of an argument. I have worked with too many tough, smart, creative women. I would also add loyalty to the list of traits that women seem to have in contrast to the “office warriors with the beer balls” that I have come across. There are notable exceptions in places like the military but in the zero sum game of business, you may not want your “wing man” to be a man.

Gratitude and God

I’ve had some time to reflect on my agitation around the snakes that entered my world. When I think of gratitude, I think of the X Files and the tag line, “We are not alone.” For me, gratitude represents an acknowledgment of our need to help one another. It represents an awareness of the gifts God has provided us though nature. Philosophers like Immanuel Kant and David Hume understood that gratitude goes way beyond etiquette. Some observers have gone so far as to equate ingratitude with sin. When you stand on the other side of gratitude you rebel against humility, you take our gift of freedom for granted, you spit in the face of community, and you stand in league with the greed, self-centeredness, and sense of entitlement that is ruining this country.

A good start would be for the ingrates among us to slow down, and show gratitude for the good things in their own lives. Take that step and it may be possible for these people to recognize that we are, in fact, not alone – and that’s a pretty wonderful thing.